Okay, so it's been a while.

So wow, my last post was in November and it's nearly March. So either it appears I've been up to a lot, or not much at all.

In reality, it's been a bit of both. Busy with some print design, product photography, a fashion shoot, and getting more into web design. But there's been some space in between where I haven't been up to much, just a lot of research and continuing to learn (and looking for work obviously).

It's a hard time to be a freelancer, especially when it's your first foray into the freelance world. The hardest thing for a first-time freelancer to get used to is the uncertainty and instability, and what that does to you psychologically. The second hardest thing is getting clients, and therefore work. So unless you're this guy, it's a difficult thing to do.

It is especially difficult when you see where the photography industry is going at all levels. Every year that goes by it gets harder for photographers, and doesn't look likely to improve. So at least thankfully I can do a variety of things together or separately, which is fine by me, I enjoy it all.

I hope to write a little more from now on, no more three month gaps.

The paradox of our time.

From a song by The Mammals called Industrial Park. From my limited research it seems the last paragraph came from Dwight D. Eisenhower's farewell speech, but I'm not entirely sure where the rest came from.

It seems that spending a lot of time on the road traveling alone increases the resonance of messages like this. This always was a beautiful song to me, but really is powerful when you're out there in the world feeling empowered and vulnerable at the same time.

I am done with great things and big things
Great institutions and big success
And I am for those tiny, invisible, molecular, moral forces
That work from individual to individual through the crannies of the world
Like so many rootlets
Or like the capillary oozing of water
Yet which, if you give them time
Will rend the hardest monuments of man's pride

The paradox of our time in history
Is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers
We have wider freeways but narrower viewpoints
We spend more but we have less
We buy more but we enjoy it less
We have bigger houses and smaller families
More conveniences and less time
We have more degrees but less depth
More knowledge but less judgment
More experts but more problems
More medicine but less wellness

Disarmament with mutual honor and confidence is a continuing imperative
Together we must learn how to compose differences
Not with arms but with intellect and decent purpose
Another war could utterly destroy this civilization
Which has been so slowly and painfully built over thousands of years
We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence
Whether sought or unsought
By the military industrial complex

I want to have control.

I was watching some great photo documentaries on MediaStorm tonight and came across this. It's a fantastic animation for a fantastic song. I've probably listened to Radiohead's Creep a hundred times, but a couple lines really stuck out to me on this listen.

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.

It's reminded me of the sacrifice that it takes to do what you want to do in life. Not that you ever really get to do what you always want to do, but to be in a position where you can do what you want to do some of the time, or maybe half the time, is a pretty good place to be.

The fountain of youth.

After all that I've seen over the past 6 days, I'm reminded of a simple fact of neurology.

Our mind marks time by new experiences.

When we do routine things, and every day seems like the last, our minds don't even bother to make note of them. So I have no doubt that the more things you do and learn the less time goes by, therefore you ARE younger. Does this mean that we just feel younger, or are we actually physically younger?

That's up to you to decide.

The countdown.

There are less than two weeks until I finally depart. Everything is pretty much taken care of, which means I'm spending my time in a barren apartment. I also slept last night in a sleeping bag on a thermarest.

People are asking me now "So are you excited, are you nervous?" But actually I've taken care of all the big things, and many of the small things. I've also taken care of all the fantasizing and day-dreaming and worrying a while ago. So now I'm on autopilot, confident in my plan and relaxed and open to whatever may come. Of course I'm excited, but I'm just doing what I'm doing until those last few days.

It's strange to live your life as you've lived it, knowing that it's going to turn on it's head any day now. Well actually, even stranger when you know what exact day it will.

Interestingly enough, I'm not the only one about to hit the road. Photographer David Alan Harvey is heading out to take his "portrait of America". (although he also has some sad news, for which I give my condolences) But hopefully our paths will cross and we can argue about who needs the gas money more.

I would like to bring up a quote that an anonymous commentor posted on here, I think it deserves more prominence given the circumstances.

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself."
-- Soren Kierkegaard

Thanks anonymous... and Kierkegaard.

The plan.

So what exactly am I doing?

Well it seems my path in life has led me to a point I alluded to here. Through Art, video, design, and now photography. All the factors have led to this point, and I'm making the jump.

I've sold or given away most of my things, and bought more gear. I sold my car, and bought a van. I've resigned from my job, and in May I'm hitting the road.

First I'll be heading to Wyoming for the Conservation Summit photography workshop. Then the next 6 months will be spent traveling and working on my craft, educating myself in a way that only being out there (and broke) can do. I'm willing to make the sacrifices needed to make it to the level I need to be at, and if I don't, then I just won't be a photographer.

It's interesting that today Leslie Burns-Dell'Acqua guest posted on Ed McCulloch's blog about fear and growth. It's interesting because through all the excitement I'm going through, every day or so I get a quick shot of fear, like when you almost trip going down the stairs. But it's a good fear, it gets the heart going, and gives me the determination to do everything possible to do what I feel passionate about.

So thanks to everyone who has helped and supported me. You're keeping the fear from getting too strong.

Life aesthetic.

I've realized that all artists have an aesthetic that goes beyond their chosen art form. It permeates every aspect of their being.

The way a photographer photographs, is an expression of who they are as a person. Just as how a painter paints is an expression of who they are. It seems obvious to say that, but it goes so deep that's it's too simple a statement.

It was interesting to realize that there was this life aesthetic that showed itself in who I was, how I spoke, how I dressed, how I kept my home, how I designed, and then how I photographed. To see it quite literally in front of my eyes was a revelation in itself.

Especially after many years of being a graphic designer, I never really made the connection that my personal vision was a form of self expression. After looking at many other photographers work, and reading The Education of a Photographer, my view of what being a professional photographer meant was shattered. The book, as well as every blog I started reading, practically chanted that you need to find your own vision and style and pursue it without looking back.

Let's just leave out the fact that you have to make money while doing it out of this post for today.

Convergence.

There have been two points in my life when I've had the very strong feeling of all things coming to a single point of opportunity. Where life and my own thoughts converge to a single point of focus, and when it reaches that point a life altering decision is made without a second thought. I'll write more about this when the time comes, but I just had to get this out there.

In evolutionary terms, convergence is when organisms have developed the same trait despite being completely independent of each other biologically.

So are there any other organisms out there that have developed these feelings and experiences independent of me biologically?

I hope so.

And if anyone is actually reading this, please share.

When our machines turn against us

I'm at home sick today, with the blinds closed blocking out a beautiful sunny day. But luckily I can spend a bit of time looking through some other photographers websites.

I came across Amy Stein's website while I was googling something else completely different (as is usually the case), and came across an interesting series of photos here.

It got me thinking about the times I've been stranded on the side of the road, waiting for help and blankly staring at the engine, or turning the key for the twentieth time hoping it will finally work. It's interesting how connected we get with our machines and sub-conciously give them life. But when they break, they are a dead object. Instantly the lifeless thing they've always been, and a source of frustration, anger or indifference.

I don't think I have a point here, other than an observation of our odd behaviour as humans. All it is is stuff, the life we give them is our own.

Preparation meets opportunity

A teacher I had once told me that the definition of luck is “Preparation meets opportunity”. Although I didn’t like the teacher much, I really liked this view of things. Mainly because I don’t believe in luck, or fate, or destiny, I believe in the randomness of life, the universe and everything. You just have to accept the beauty in the random. Enjoy the fact that our lives are a string of milliseconds that are moving on even if we’re not, and enjoy it when that string of random events gives you an amazing opportunity and you alone are perfectly prepared to take advantage of it.

Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside

There is a great post on the Gaping Void that I really love. I first saw it on Heath Korvola’s blog, and again on Ed McCulloch’s yesterday. That in itself speaks to the power of the ideas, that nearly four years later people are still being affected by it. But what I found interesting was the fact that each person had one point that they singled out. One that I’m sure touched them personally and had an instant flash of recognition and relevance. I know, because I had the same feeling.

“13. Never compare your inside with somebody else's outside.”

This is something I fully admit to doing, in my professional, and my personal life. We all look at the seemingly successful and seemingly cool people around us, and we create an idealized life that they live in our heads. The sooner we realize that we probably wouldn’t be happy if we were in their shoes, and change the picture in our head to our own vision of success, the happier we’ll all be.

The more I learn and experience, the more that societal vision of success gets shattered. It’s a freeing experience, and scary as well.

Beware the beckoning call of comfort.